On a reciprocally poisonous nature of egocentrism

It seems that I was naturally born with a sheer portion of egocentrism in blood. It presumably consists of 80% of steady self-confidence, 20% of nonchalance and self-adoration (aka narcissism) in half. And I like it!

As far as I remember myself this proportion has never ever been changed! I’m mostly speaking about what was in, but never out. I tried to behave and I was quite shy if not to say foul or timid. Sometimes it caused some problems with an outer world, more particularly, with interaction between me and other people.

I mean when I couldn’t resist, I liked showing, which the heck was the best chick here in a hen-coop, or even in the fucking world. And they knew where their gruel was.

Let it be just an innocent narcissism, but it has developed into something more rude, something like the total indifference unto environment.

I don’t know where it comes from, but my callousness (let’s call it like that) lies very, very deep inside.

Once, my co-worker told me that I might have traced its roots in my childhood. But I can’t say that my childhood was blue. Vice versa, if I say that it was “quite careless” I won’t lie to you. I spent my happiest times when I was a child.

So, it’s not the reason, why a single teeny tiny goose bump doesn’t strike my sinful body when I see a filthy pauper, who had probably lost his everything in life, or a serf child with “hard luck story” behind, walking arm-in-arm with a begging tram Gipsy.

That’s why I really mean it when I say that for human animals of my type, a self-reproduction must be literally prohibited, because our generation is doomed to destruct the world by self-destruction.
I used to analyze my ramified nature but I ended up coming to a conclusion, that the most part of it is a consequence of some blind fear ahead of that world, and it is endlessly deep and out of control.
I always conceived myself like that and I was sure that there was no any other human being who could have broken my record on cynism till I got the Message.
I have an old friend of mine. We have got really weird relationships. First I fell in love with her in my adolescence, but she was married at the moment. When she got divorced I grew cold towards her, but we agreed to become friends.
And we had been the best ones till the moment she moved abroad. We saw each other just once since she had come to see me here in Russia.
The short message was kind of the last will where she was asking, no, begging me to trump around, that she had really lived a happier life than everybody could expect of her to have.
And can you believe, that that bitchy drama was just based on a subjective info like her unexpected pre-syncope accident situation in the cinema theater the day before or, which worse, on a feeling that she was on the verge of a forthcoming inescapable demise.
Later on, she texted that she hadn’t loved anyone but herself. And that’s going to be her “best friend” like me, who would announce those “superb” news all over and blah…blah…blah.
To my surprise, those were the very first lines. I foremost thought, that my poor sight was duping me, but not, I was seeing exactly what my eyes were looking at. And the whole message was screaming like “I’m suffering because there is no bloody dick machine anywhere to fuck me bloody hard at Dickma Eve, and that’s why everybody, especially YOU, will be suffering too just because of the sticky idea that I will simply die, before it chimes midnight, but you won’t enjoy your New Year Eve, coz nobody but YOU knows about that I would allow MRI only over my dead body, no way, coz I’m fucking scared”.
Of course, who could it be to know the first but a heartless fool like my best friend? That was the implication as I dare suppose.
I wonder how arrogant the person is who starts the testament in such a selfish manner? Who the hell cares about you after you misbehaved towards not only me, but your siblings? Because this is fucking unfair!

But the reverse of the medal, the positive one, is that I’ve faced a reciprocally poisonous nature of the egocentrism which bit my asses with the realness teaching, that you can’t be totally concentrated on yourself, because of two main reasons: first, there will be someone else who will def surpass you in your narcissism, and it will double the effect when your personal one had ever reviled someone in your surroundings; secondly, now I know that I’ve at least got a heart. A great one! ©.

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Faithfully yours, 

Maurice Chabale


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