The inner crisis

No, it's not the name of a new amazing obscure flick of Tom Ford. It's something real that I'm going through right now. I know it's not related to fashion, but my blog is not only about glitz and glamour. I would rather like it be as less glamorous and sparkly as possible, but more about something which inspires people. Nothing can be more inspiring than reality. That's why I'm sharing the following stuff with you. Sincerely enough....
Though it may be jaw-dropping to some of you, at this point the written stuff is more about the announced above in a heading topic for discussion than about me. I'm just an odd subject which is gonna be exposed to public, so that everyone could make his own opinion on the point. 

Has it ever happened to you when you're washing dishes or standing in a shower cabin, or whatever trivial stuff you're doing, and then start thinking that there's something wrong with your life?

Yesterday I burst out crying because of the idea which stroke my mind. That's kind of problem I started thinking of! Absense of gratitude which is a substantial part of people's loneliness. 

I intuitively felt like calling my Granny who is now 75 years old, and telling her that I owe her everything good which built my personality, and that I love her so much. How often  do you do the same thing I wonder? 

At the same time, I can't adress the same words to my mom whom I love a priori, but we are at a different level of relationships which don't allow us to utter kind words towards each other quite often. We used to know tough times, you know, but it's too personal to post them here. This is what is related to my inner conflict. That's the way I'm thinking this conflict of. Let me know if I chose the wrong words for it. 

Sometimes the concept of the 'final carriage gone off' subconsiously comes to my mind! What if I'm destined to die alone? What if I'm not born to live happily and share last and forever wedding vows with my beloved person? 

I'm so used to that order of things when I live alone, from the first sight,living in comfort with absence of long-term relationships, that it scares me to death. 

Though I wrote a term paper on "Conceptual analysis of Lonelines" when I was a graduate student, my inner self is fighting against the concept of loneliness itself. I don't want to die alone! I am scared, but the older I become, the more impossible seems to me to build relationships with another person. And condolesneces like "You haven't met the right person yet" won't help. 

Being a full - time disciple of "untraditional love" in a country whose current politics is against abnormality, it's not an easy job to go against the stream. 

To give up seems to be tempting, but that easy sort of things is not my cup of tea. 

I'm sure in every atom I consist of so that it doesn't need any apology either to my country's politics, or to its society's subjective point of view on gay marriage! 

At the current moment I'm exposed to the quite unnatractive picture when there's a trend of mutual misunderstanding between two people. Those who live together mostly pretend that they're happy together for it can be explained by their high social status.

Marital fidelity among gays rather provokes a bitter smile than a conjugal piety nowadays. Gay males seem to prefer material pleasures like wicked games in a form of fisting, dildoes, and BDSM sex than spiritual ones in a form of sitting in front of a fire-place, savouring nuisance wines and having passionate sex on a bear skin instead. Cause there's noone who would be irreplaceable these days. That's unlikely to be the bitter sweet of things

Some years ago I could hardly ever imagine that in the XXIst century my biggest dream would be being irreplaceable which sounds horrible and practically irrelevant to my inner self. OMG!

My biggest fear which I'm sure every normal person aged between 25 - 28 y.o face IAE., is not to catch the final carriage off, but not to catch it just in time. 

This kind of fear is getting on my nerves. And there are few people who understand me. 

Thanks God, I've got you, my dearest fans, who I can share anything and everything without knowing most of you in person, and of course, I have my friends, so I'm sure I will survive. 

My best friend once said about the topic geniously I think. I'll cite her in Russian so that it looks genuine, but I'll try to submit the substence of her words in Engish too afterwards. I hope they'll make your fears which are similar to mine fade away. 

"Когда есть родители - уже не так одинок, когда есть вторая половинка -  уже почти не одинок, когда есть дети - не одинок вовсе. Одиночество оно противопоказано человеку. Даже отшельники и монахи никогда не одиноки: с ними всегда Бог,  и они постоянно  - в молитвенном общении с Ним. Одиночество не свойственно по природе человеку, поэтому люди страдают от одиночества." (Светлана Сергеева)

"When you run through a family feeling you're already not alone. When you have a partner, you're almost not alone, but if you have children you're definetly not alone. Loneliness is revolting to a human being. Even ascetics and monks because of their permanent spiritual conversation with the Supreme, don't feel alone as they believe in God who's their companion throughout their life. People suffer from the Loneliness cause this seems not natural to them(Svetlana Sergeeva). 

Priceless, no? 

As the main outline of this post I've adjusted to it a Youtube video of a trailer of Tom Ford's extremely beautiful film  which is called "A Single man" about a similar but quite a shelled type of  my personal story. Watch this film of a heart  - stopping beauty before you think you understand what my problem is about and probably post a comment which is always welcome. Enjoy! 

I love y'all

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Faithfully yours, 

Maurice Chabale


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